What We May Be
6″x21.25″ mixed media painting on rag paper. There is a .25″ border around the painting. This painting will need to be matted and framed by you.
We know what we are, but we know not what we may be.
Any thing is possible. That is what I always tell my kids. If you can dream it, you can do it.
Ironic, as I am not exactly an optimist.I am a moody, melancholic neurotic … on a good day. I put beautiful things out into the world because I need to make myself focus on beauty. People often tell me how prolific I am. That is because I have to be, it is necessary for me to create in order to stay sane (happy). I’m not sure if that make sense.
I spend so much of my time worrying about stupid things. I waste so much time on that. Worrying. I thought that my health problems would wake me up. Shake me up. I thought that I’d have a Scrooge re-birth … I’d start seeing everything with rose coloured glasses … but that didn’t happen. (Well, maybe at first, but it didn’t last).
Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful … I am. I am so grateful. I am so lucky.
The problem is, I can’t help but think, “when will my luck run out?”
Having a mastectomy has not given me a new lease on life, it has kind of made me more afraid. I mean, they found it in both breasts, where else could it be lurking? I am who I am, the same as before, a worrier. I have not had any huge ah-ha moment during this huge life changing experience. That makes me feel guilty and yucky, like I missed the point or I missed the life lesson within this whole ordeal.
My biggest challenge in life has always been to stay in the moment, to try to be present, and it still is. I can’t know the future, and that is probably good. I will continue to create. I will continue to try to stay in the moment. I will continue to try not worry. I will continue and I will remind myself, I GET TO continue. That does make me feel happy …even if that feeling is fleeting.